HUMOR BLOG: How do we deal with Draconian Censorship around the 2010 FIFA World Cup?
I’m not a sports pundit, but
I’ll watch the World Cup for the superb athleticism, human drama and ball
control, the same reasons I watch porn. I’ll cheer for our football team,
because I’m South African and because I genuinely believe we’ll win it. After
all, we’re a nation of millions of COSATU members so somewhere we’re bound to
find a striker.
But I’m not paying extra to
wear the ridiculously overpriced supporters’ gear. I won’t buy a cheap Fong
Kong soccer shirt probably made in China either, even if I can’t tell the
difference between it and the genuine article that costs ten times as much… and
was probably made in China. Besides, no matter how many tough guys I see doing
it; it’s still pretty naff wearing another oke’s shirt.
A few seasons ago, Springbok
rugby fans were supposed to wear kit to show that our blood was green. Seasons?
Do we even have sports seasons anymore? Every sport is played all year round.
One day all major fixtures will clash in the same stadium and Ernie Els will
beat the Aussie cricket team by two goals to nil. Never mind, my point was the
hype. Having green blood would make me an exotic insect instead of an ordinary
sucker who just paid six hundred bucks for a glorified t-shirt. Hang on, I saw
District 9! Maybe green insect blood is the secret weapon Bafana Bafana needs.
A player with 6 legs and 2 pairs of wings might even score.
I’m fed up with
merchandising. The FIFA Football World Cup is ring fenced by so many copyright
laws and merchandise restrictions that it’s better protected against crooks
than a Joburg townhouse. I’m not even sure that just mentioning it by name
won’t bring some terrible, legal rapid response retribution. FIFA officials
haven’t been encouraged to shoot to kill yet, but if that day comes, I’m
switching to jukskei.
Can’t we be left in peace to
enjoy the soccer? I’d drink a champagne toast to that… Oops! Only the French
are allowed to call their bubbly plonk “champagne”, so for copyright reasons,
I’ll have to drink a sparkling wine toast. Seems we can’t escape this issue, so
maybe we should start playing to win. What do we have that we can get
unsuspecting internationals to pay for?
Here’s my suggestion for a
letter to those who have infringed our rights:
Dear
International Community,
South
Africa, which includes the Sterkfontein caves world heritage site, acknowledged
as the cradle of mankind, is the birthplace of all original humans. We claim
all rights to this intellectual property.
With
immediate effect, you are hereby ordered to cease and desist using the term
“human” or any translation thereof to describe yourselves.
You
owe us a whole pile of money for all the counterfeit humans you have made over
the years without our authorisation.
Should
you refuse, we reserve the right to wear whatever we like, shop where we choose
and call our booze by whatever name we bloody well please.
