HUMOR BLOG: Advice For Visitors To The World Cup

The stadiums are complete. I recently saw a beautiful aerial photo of Soccer City and, damn my cynical Joburg self, from above I thought it was a close-up of a pothole. Speaking of out of control holes, despite the best efforts of a violently spewing ash-hole…  the Icelandic variety, not the local one that seems to have been temporarily plugged… more and more visitors are arriving, so here’s some light-hearted advice for tourists.

Firstly, upon arrival, don’t immediately point out how crap our team is. This kind of banter may be routine where you come from, but here we’re a bit more sensitive. Our hopes are high. Bafana even recently won a game against Thailand, that powerhouse of sporting prowess. No doubt our second favourite Brazilian will gradually work up to tougher opposition, unless Jeppe High are busy with exams. Actually, the best ball handling I ever saw from a Thai player was late at night in a Bangkok bar and… Never mind, that was ping-pong, not soccer.

Meanwhile normally sane people have suddenly decided that our cars are incomplete without flag sox covering the wing mirrors. You may want a pair too and they can be bought at any set of traffic lights. Support these vendors, because this is a thoroughly “green” industry. The pair you buy have probably been sold and recycled a few times already. Tie them on firmly, so that they can’t easily be ripped off. Practise safe sox. And please drive carefully. If you run foul of our sterling traffic police, make sure you have your international driver’s licence, photo ID or at least a good picture of an elephant drawn on a hundred rand note.

Visitors to Cape Town are being warned about the local baboons. I suggest the best way to avoid irritating them is to remember that this is our winter. Although it may still be warmer that whatever part of the Ukraine you’re from, it’s WINTER and you should not be wearing a day-glo orange Speedo outdoors. It sends the male baboon an entirely incorrect message and he may not appreciate you leading him on with a fluorescent mating call and then playing coy when he takes you up on your offer.

When in doubt what to wear, try to blend in with the rest of us. Not wanting to reinforce the stereotypical foreign image of “wildest Africa”, to us, a pale, plump European with a giant Nikon strapped to his gut looks like a limping zebra at the back of the herd. Trust me, there’ll still be plenty of opportunity for bad taste, but be careful with your clothing choices. Even though being in Johannesburg makes you think you’re on safari, when you visit Soweto, go easy on the khaki.